What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What do you need?

My daddy, mama and me. Christmas 1984.  

I sat across from my counselor as she introduced me to three questions she wanted me to ask myself in the future when I begin to shut down:

What are you thinking?

What are you feeling?

What do you need?

Trauma triggers were being tripped and I was shutting down. I couldn't communicate when I knew I so desperately needed to. I couldn't understand why I reacted the way I did to simple challenges and hard conversations. Trauma triggers (read more of my story here) were sending me into a tailspin and I would curl up on the sofa and sleep for hours. I used to blame my sleep apnea...

Why am I sharing this now - during the week of Thanksgiving?

Holidays can be hard

11 years ago, my family received devastating news that my young cousin had died unexpectedly. It was the week of Thanksgiving.

A few years later, my sister-in-law lost her mother unexpectedly right before Christmas. And yet another tragedy struck on a mid-December night before I was born - when my grandparents' house burned to the ground, claiming the life of my mama's sister - Gladys - who was only 16 years old.

The death of my parents did not occur close to the holidays, but the anniversary of their deaths still do stir tough memories for me. How much more painful the holidays must be for those who lost family or friends during the Thanksgiving or Christmas season?

Can we dig deep and extend grace to others during this season? Better yet, if you know someone who is experiencing a first holiday without a loved one or who lost a loved one during the holiday season, would you consider sending them a card? Or call them and encourage them. Let them know that you are thinking of them and why.

I am learning to be kind to myself

I am learning to be kind to myself and I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself too. I acknowledge that the holidays are not always Pinterest Perfect holidays even if you are not dealing with grief. I have struggled for years - beating myself up for being such a messy housekeeper. The holidays are worse due to the high expectations I have for our family traditions and celebrations.

A season of depression doesn't set anyone up for Pinterest Perfect anything. It brutally leaves you to dig out of the mess that accumulated while you were curled up on the sofa, trying to sleep away pain.

Maybe you are there right now. Struggling with grief or depression. I want to encourage you to do some reflecting before the flurry begins.

What are you thinking?

What are you feeling?

What do you need?

It is my prayer that as you head into the week of Thanksgiving prep and celebration and then launch into the Christmas season, that you would be kind to yourself and stop long enough to figure out what you need at difficult moments.

When you figure out what you need, write it down or verbalize it. Your family can not read your mind. If you need something from them, be brave and tell them. You are worth being known and cared for. Your needs are important. I am preaching to myself.

I am excited to have my kids and hubby home more this week. My house is far from ready for the holidays but that isn't what matters right now. What matters is that we will be together. We will cook and bake and make more of a mess but we will also work together to clean up and decorate for Christmas as soon as we are done celebrating Thanksgiving.

As I head into this Thanksgiving week, I am making plans to take care of myself and to take care of my family.

How about you? How will you be kind to yourself in this season? I'd love to hear.