Honesty

I am mad.  I AM MAD!  Not at a person - but at the enemy of my soul, the enemy of my family - Satan, himself.

I am into the Biggest Loser, through Steffy Concrete, 2 weeks.  The first week went really well - I was so pumped up, I lost 3 pounds and I felt good.

Enter week 2 - I am still excited.  The week of Prayer and Fasting is going on at our church and God is moving in awesome ways.  One message for us as a church - Offensive.  Go on the offensive in regards to the battle we are in.  Stand firm. 

I have to laugh at some of the ways God works.  During the testimony time at church, someone shared how God revealed something to him through a TV program.  On Saturday, I was on the treadmill at the gym.  I was determined to finish 3.1 miles, no matter if I had to walk it all.  My goal was to finish.  I kept plugging away.  Running, walking.  Running, walking.  Since my IPOD was dead, and the TV was tuned to a music channel, I had to find another way to focus to get through to my goal.  A lot of things were going through my mind.  Focus.  The goal is to finish - don't worry about your time.  Every once and a while, I would glance up at the TV for a visual diversion. 

A commercial popped up on the screen.  "I'm not a pushover, I'm PROACTIV"  advertising the product, Proactiv.   I laughed as I declared that in my head. I am not a pushover, I am proactive.  Proactive - going on the offense...

I finished 3.1 miles in 45 minutes.  I was very proud of myself, and I felt great.

Sunday and Monday came and went and I didn't get back on the treadmill.  Partially because the kids were home, and partially because I was afraid.  Afraid that I would not be able to do it again.  I was stiff and had some discomfort in my legs and I was being a little wishywashy about my commitment to excersize at that time.

Tuesday morning came.  The day Emma and I planned to go to the gym together to excersize.  School closed - not going to happen.  So we chatted.  Emma is an amazing support person to me.  She is very disciplined and I tend not to be.  And she knows it.  We have talked many times about how God has brought us together and how we can learn from each other and balance each other out.  I pulled her out of her comfort zone to enter this Biggest Loser contest - imagine, my friend Emma, long dress and head covering, working out in the gym.  Not a picture you often see, huh?  But she is brave!  Go Emma.  She doesn't have much weight to lose, but we are in it together. 

She is accountability to me.  She has been before - in other areas I desire to change.  She knows me all too well.  She asked how my week was going with eating and excersize.  After the week of Prayer and Fasting, I kind of let up, and started falling off the band wagon, one delicious Pumpkin Bar at a time....2....3..... 

She told me she has been in contact with another girl on our team.  There are four of us on our team.  If our team wins, by losing the largest percentage, we get a cash prize.  There is also a large cash prize for the person who loses the most percent of their body weight.  Anyway, she explained to me, that this girl gets up at 4 in the morning before her husband goes to work, and works out at the gym. She said that she lost 8 pounds last week!  And what I will never forget is this comment:   "If our team wins, it will be because of her."

It didn't affect me at all on the phone - I didn't even think anything about it.  I guess I agreed.  But later, as I thought about that statement, I realized what the unspoken message (which Emma did not intend to say) said to me:  "You are not going to win.  If our team wins, it will not be because of you."

Now I am not generally a competitive person.  I don't usually care if I win in a game.  But something rose up inside of me!  A strong desire to do just that.  Win.  I really could care less about the nice cash prize at the end.  You see, in my opinion, this journey is more about my weight.  It is about me learning to stick to a goal and see it through the tough obstacles.  It is about me, rising up again after being knocked down.  It is about leaning on God's strength to get through my hunger.  This is not all about personal victory - it is about a victory for my family.  I am doing this for me, yes.  For greater health, for weight loss - to feel more alive so that I can enjoy my life, but it is so much more than that!  I am doing this so that my family has the opportunity to see me participate in their lives!  To hear me laugh my head off as I go down the hill on a sled.  To watch me finish a 5K race, even if it is 10 minutes behind their dad.  It is about setting an example for my young girls who are already battling weight issues.

No, I can't lose this battle.  There is too much at stake.  I may not win the prize at the end of this contest, but I better still be standing, having achieved my own personal victories.

I am not a victim. I can choose my response to the situations and circumstances around me.


God, I pray for a continued change in my and my mindset – a freedom unlike I have never known before!

I will Dance! I will run a 5K this spring.  I am on the road to recovery walking out of my addiction to food – to sugar and my inactive lifestyle is changing to reflect my desire to be fully alive! I want to live fully alive.

I love you dearly Emma.  If it is up to me, your prediction would be true.  But, no.  God is in this.  And if my God is for me, then WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME!